Six Degrees of Separation!!!!

I listen, yo. I ask questions and I hear well. While dabbling on I kicked around a question to the ladies….

“What Qualities Do You Want in a Man?”

I got back all kinds of answers. Some chicks ran off long lists, some chicks had a few needs they insisted they be met. I thought it was a simple enough question to answer until I thought about it. Folks are looking at this the wrong way. It’s not so much the qualities that a person should posses that determines his/her potential to be successful in a relationship…it’s the INTENTIONS of the person that determine his/her potential for being a good partner in a relationship!!

In case that was too much for you….let me ‘esplain (explain) further. (In Tony Montana Voice)

Scene No 1: Dude is young with no kids, no charges, no problems. For all intents and purposes he’s not too hard on the eyes. He keeps girls pursuing him by flirting wyoung dredith him. They ask to touch his long dreds all the time. He’s educated, intelligent, soft spoken and self aware type of brother-the  Afrocentric gentleman, if you will. He promotes Black love, respect for his ‘Queen’ and behaves in a way contrary to the ‘thug/gangsta’ you see everybody else doing. Does he sound like a good catch to you? He may sound like a good catch until you hear him say he wants children, allot of children as a matter of fact. He wants his children to be home schooled because he feels like public school education is sub par and private/catholic school is too controlling and narrow minded. Still sound good? Ok. How about the fact that he doesn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship with any woman. He doesn’t want to get married either, ever, for no reason other than he likes his freedom and chooses to maintain it as long as he can. Still on board? OK. If you were to get pregnant by him he would be happy, eager and supportive. He looks forward to having children but wants to raise his kids as a single Dad. When I asked him about his choice, he responds ‘that he can’t trust his kids care and influence to no female’. Still wondering about a future with him? Are you willing to leave your children to his care and pay him child support or do you think you can ‘change his mind’ about married and monogamy?
Scene latino business manNo 2: My other dude has money and is quite generous with it. He’s the first person to pick up the tab, buy expensive gifts and come through for a loan. As a Latino executive in finance he’s in high demand with the ladies. What with the barrage of secretaries, receptionists, female co-workers and assistants that he interacts with daily-they see his left ring finger is empty and wonder if they have a chance. He likes the ‘down to Earth’ girls who are ‘nice’. Nothing strange about that, right? When he has his eyes on a woman he’s dating its all expensive restaurants, surprise trips to the islands and shopping sprees. He’s a nice guy, looking for love, the romantic prince charming looking for his ‘lady’ to rescue, spoil and take care of. It’s a beautiful thing until you realize that he uses his money as a means of control. By satisfying ever need a woman could possibly have he guilt’s girls into focusing only on him. Even if he knows a woman finds his money more attractive then him, he doesn’t care as long as he can have the woman he ‘wants’ and she behaves the way HE sees fit there won’t be no problems. He plays the perfect Cloak and Dagger hero in front of her friends and families. That makes it even harder for a woman to inform her inner circle that he’ll beat the dog shit outta of you when he’s displeased at a your behavior. He’s a good looking dude, so I hear. Top that off with the financial spoils and rewards he can provide to both a woman AND her family and he’s a great, willing catch with a slight ‘issue’. But is that the type of ‘issue’ to make it a deal breaker?

Scene No. 3young man on the phone: Dude is a regular Joe. He goes to his job as Assistant Manager of a Health Care chain each and every day. He looks forward to being the breadwinner and contributing to his woman. He’ll bring his check right home to you. You don’t have to wonder what he’s up to because he’ll call you every hour on the hour and tell you. He’ll call less than that if you tell him too. He’s a good dude. He cooks, cleans, gives foot massages, will carry groceries and meet your every wish and demand eagerly and with a smile. Isn’t that what you always wanted? He’s a hopeless romantic who serenades his woman with words of love, a bleeding heart indeed. Isn’t this the type of man that woman say they want? Someone romantic, who gives them attention, loyal and focused on his woman and her needs? Yup, that’s him. He’s so focused on his woman’s needs that he doesn’t satisfy his own needs or even knows what his needs are. Nor does he know what direction he’s going or what he wants to be in life. He listens to his woman and follows her advise, even when it conflicts with the advice of his family and friends. Dude is ‘all in’ his relationship. He really looks up to and admires his woman. She’s the cause of his happiness. And what woman doesn’t want a man who eats, sleeps and breathes for her?

Its not just the women that should be more careful when considering a mate. I find men can be just as vague and confused about what they want in a woman.

Scene #frh_120099_images_0014_251422_loc1: You love having arm candy next to you. You have a criteria that must be met before you’ll even consider taking a woman out in public. You love it when other men want the girl that YOU with. Chick is bad as hell. She got a body that could stop traffic and a face that you could stare at all day long. She dresses to the nines and is experienced with the finer things in life. She’s an up and coming type of chick. Making moves and on the fast track. She works a professional job, doing some type of professional profession. With no kids she’s a rare breed. She’s at all the hot restaurants, clubs, bars and places to be seen. She talks all that good game you want to hear. Her body makes you chase her for whatever kinda time she’ll spend with you. Once you find out she’s single you think it’s too good to be true. You decide to go ‘balls to the wall’ to win her exclusive affection and make her your perm piece. You go all above and beyond to compete with the other guys in the running for Miss Future Wife of the Year. All that’s fine until you realize that her great job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Your not sure how professional white collar position was in reality a stint as a customer service temp. You noticed that she never wore the same thing twice. She never wore anything twice because she buys gear from the store, rocks it and then returns it. Her body is banging but she thinks as soon as you sample some of her intimate favors that it then becomes your responsibility to clothe, feed and support her. You had plenty of competing to get her and now that you did you can’t let go of the fact that some where, some other dude is angry that YOU are her man. So you work harder, faster, stronger, longer to keep her attention on you. After all, you wanted a dime piece that appreciated the finer things in life, just like you do. You want you and your girl to have the same tastes and now you have your wish, Right? You know other dudes are waiting on the sidelines and you know she’s a demanding one to keep you on your toes. You’ll do what you have to do to keep your girl. Because if you don’t take care of her someone else will. Isn’t it nice to get what you want in a relationship?

Scene#2:Female from Gifted Apparel BBQ Now this chick is just the opposite. She’s down for her man. She cooks, cleans, goes to work and comes right back home, she’ll drop it like it’s hot and wake up and frying it in a pan. You couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s willing to show and prove that she’s the better chick and you need her in your life. Some dudes look for a chick that’s willing to ‘prove’ that she loves him. Well, this is her. She’s a ride or die chick. When her man is down on his luck-she’s got his back. If his money is funny, she keeps him laced. He doesn’t have to worry about loosing her when he experiences financial meltdown. She’ll keep his Timbs fresh and his kicks up to date. If things don’t go right, she’ll keep his commissary full, and hold him down with regular visits and collect phone call privileges. She’s let him drive her car whether or not he has a license. She’ll turn the other way when he dips off with his side chick. Men will be men, after all. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, just as long as you come back to her cause she’s Your Girl. There is nothing in the world she won’t do for you. She’s by your side for the long haul. And GOD HELP YOU IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA BREAK UP WITH HER. This shit is forever! You promised her and she believed you. She gave it 100% and it wasn’t good enough? Oh, your gonna pay. She’ll spend the next few years stalking, accosting and pursuing you until you either come back to her or leave town. It must be nice to have a chick that will do anything for you.


Scene #3: Every man wants to feel like he’s the King of his castle’. Quiet as its kept, most men want to be viewed as the breadwinner and care taker of the house. And she’s ttanya-tattohat girl. This type of female is sweet, and kind, wants nothing more than to take care of you and make you feel like a man. Cooking all the meals that you like, the house is spotless, she’s quite during the game and willing in the bedroom. Sure, you wish she was more assertive and independent but she depends on you and it feels SOO GOOD to get the respect that you know you deserve. It’s the relationship you always wanted. She treats you like a King, your the MAN of the house. WHAT YOU SAY GOES! But….You worry about how she will get by without you and encourage her to do for herself more. I mean, what if something happens to you? Your parents love her, your friends like her and your friends wives/girlfriends love her. You got a thumbs up for this one. You know you ain’t going nowhere so you give her a baby or two. You start paying mortgage/rent, car payments for a family friendly SUV. It’s all good…until it’s not. You grew up and apart from her, never sure of what the two of you had in common in the beginning. Maybe you’re under pressure and financial stress, you’re frustrated that she won’t work even a part time job to help out with the bills. She refuses to decrease her spending and bills because YOU can’t keep up. After all, it was YOU who insisted that she get her hair done every week and YOU who introduced her to ‘making it rain’ at the mall. She used to appreciate and praise you. Now she criticises you daily about your inability to ‘take care of your family’. You get no more sex because you’re ‘not a REAL man’ and your kids chime in with the disrespectful comment. Coming home from work is like walking in enemy territory each evening. You look forward to going to work. You ignore for as long as you can…but you ultimately know….you want to leave. You confide in your best dude friend and he just shakes his head, warning you of the ‘its cheaper to keep her’ default judgement. You tell your Mother, who’s always on her side and she’s sympathetic but reminds you that it’s your responsibility and your family. You have a duty to ‘take care of them’. Your sisters find out and stop speaking to you and your Facebook friends list has been dwindling these last few days. With your entire crew of family and friends on her side, you will forever be looked upon as a ‘deserter’. As a Father, you may never see your kids look at you in admiration, she’ll make sure to talk shit about you AND have her kids calling the next man Daddy. She’ll get more of your weekly check than you do and it’ll be you having to watch the kids while she goes on dates and vacations with her new man. She’ll never be able to get a job to sufficiently support herself, how, when she’s never worked a day in her life? And while the slightest bit of effort on her parts will gain satisfaction from YOUR peers, the smallest infraction on your part will erase any good will and cooperation points you have gained thus far. Man, it sure does suck, doesn’t it?

I want to thank all of the ladies & my dudes on twitter who contributed to this post…

I hope everyone enjoy this post.

Until we meet again!!


Young M. Clayton!!!!



  1. It’s so true that we judge and make decisions on superficial things and usually regret the choices we make because of that. I appreciate ur effort to draw attention to our need to look deeper when we are getting involved in a relationship.

    Most people we meet are going to be a combination of the examples you provided…it’s up to us to decide (preferably beforehand) what traits we are willing and unwilling to accept. If we do that, we won’t be disappointed in our significant others down the line…

    Sidebar: luv, luv LUV ur style of writing…it draws you in as if we are having a conversation instead of me reading ur thoughts…

    Great piece!


    • Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it!!!!!

  2. Excellent writing. As I read this I realize that many men (myself included) enjoy ALL of these types of women!!!

    Of course, reality sets in and we realize that no one person can be everything to everyone. We are then left with a dominant characteristic, as opposed to a balance of all of the above.

    Interstingly, people change, grow and their desires change with them. Many men are looking for sexy arm candy early in life. When they decide to raise a family, their tastes change and they begin looking for a mother for their children.

    Problems CAN arise after the kids are raised and he goes back looking for arm candy again!!! (Gov. Sanford, Kevin Kostner, Mel Gibson, and about 10 million other midlife crisis candidates)

    I was fortunate to have a wonderfully sexy girlfriend who became a wife, mother and was able to transform BACK into a sexy girlfriend when the kids grew up. It wasn’t easy but it was deliberate. My blog is and I encourage you to comment.

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