I do… but what if I don’t!!!!!!!

I do…but what if I don’t?

Lately there has been a lot of press on celebrities and their various forms of infidelity. It’s enough to make your head spin (like that chick from the exorcist).  I mean, damn,  it’s hard enough trying to find the right mate, and it seems it’s even harder to stay in healthy relationship. So over the weekend as I sat back snowed in, and flipping thru the various channels covering Tiger Woods, and Chris Henry’s alleged domestic incident which led to his shocking death.

Then IT hit me; I started thinking about various relationships and one type of relationship stood out. I thought about how many good men stay in un-healthy relationships because there are children involved.

So you know me, I poured a glass of privilege(Top Shelf Hennessey for the slow) on the rocks and rolled up some good good..it helps one properly meditate (thanks Buddah!). Now normally I don’t share a lot of my personal life but this topic hits close to home because up until a few years ago that was me. Now I know you may say—– Young M. Clayton, you went thru this?  Ah, yeah!

After all I am human, and contrary to what some may think..men do have feelings. But lucky I caught myself before things got bad between my son’s mother & I. I must say that I am fortunate to have a decent & cordial relationship with my son’s mother. But the sad reality is that a good percentage of breakups that involve children don’t workout. If you don’t believe me just take a trip to your local family court and then holla at me.

I realized that most men don’t know that it’s ok to say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Some men don’t realize that it’s possible to co-parent without being together. Fellas it’s ok, trust me I would never steer you wrong. See I’m a firm believer that you are truly a product of your household, and the various types of relationship you were exposed to as a child will ultimately determine what type of relationships you have as an adult. You may have grown up in a single parent home and had to take on a fatherly role to younger siblings while you were still a child yourself. Then when you got older and entered into a relationship and it didn’t workout there are some men that would feel a sense of obligation to hang in a bad relationship because they have been taught that they should put the needs of the family before their own.

There reasons may be

a) they grew up with out a father and the they don’t want their child to experience the same. They may feel this is their ‘family’ and do or die, they will keep their ‘family’ together, because they know what it’s like when the ‘family’ is broken or
b) They feel like they have to be the main provider and shoulder the responsibility of taking care of everything themselves.(This comes from their experience as a child having to be the provider and father at an early age)
I understand this but at the end of the day you’ll wind up hurting your child more than helping. It is never healthy to stay in relationship where there is verbal, and /or physical abuse (and I’m not just talking about men being violent to woman, I’m talking about woman being abusive towards men).
There are men who go thru physical abuse and are afraid to say something because of the backlash they may receive from their friends, family and other people (Snitching?!) It’s sad but true.
Or c) some men have low self-esteem and they feel like the female they have kids with is the best that they are going to get, and they have no choice but to stay around. If this is you, man up and say enough is enough. Get a backbone, and say, “Peace, I’m out. I can’t & won’t take it anymore.

All you are required to do is take care of the needs of your child(ren). Because if a woman knows she can walk over you, then it’s a wrap. She will continue to control & manipulate you to the point to you feel like jumping of a cliff (or jumping on her azz). And it’s sad to say that it’s you fault because you let her do it. You let it get here. The min you saw her acting like that you should have nipped it in the bud. And why oh why do some of you choose to marry (paperwork?!) the woman you are involved with when you know good and well if you could turn back the hands of time….you would! Gladly!!

But I’m not here to bash you.I’m here to lend you a helping hand. Fellas it’s ok to say, “I do love you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore”. It can be hard (because who likes to hurt another person’s feelings?) but it can be done. Trust me your child(ren) will thank you for it later. Leaving a stagnant relationship does not make you less of man. As a matter of fact it makes you a bigger man because it takes an honorable man to say “look it’s not working with us, so for the sake of our child(ren) let’s take a break from us and focus on raising our kids(s)” but we all know that is not the norm.

(Takes a deep pull and puts out spilff, takes another sip of privilege)

Now you may not agree with what I say but I am speaking from experience. It can be done. As a Black man, I feel like we are often labeled as ‘no-good’ and ‘deadbeat’ for not delivering the entire relationship package (marriage, kids and happiness) that is encouraged by (mostly) the women around us. I know full and well what is expected from me (yes, Mom). Luckily, I also have a Dad around who pulled my coattails to what’s really good when it comes to commitment and creating a family. Black men may not realized  that we do have choices, and you don’t have to let your ego or ‘Male Pride” have you stuck in a never-ending situation like Sisyphus. (Told you my third eye was open) don’t feel to ashamed talk to someone. If you have “good” friends then they won’t judge you, they will give you advice from the outside looking in. They could provide you with helpful insight, which can help you out of your situation. Because after all the definition of Insanity: is doing the same thing over & over, thinking each time you repeat it you are going to get a different result. And you are sticking around in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of your kids is INSANE. If the person you have to wake up to each day is causing you misery, stress and depression (that’s what all that Henny and purple haze is about. You call it ‘relaxing’, I call it ‘self medicating’)..then maybe it’s time to save yourself so that you CAN be that great father you’re trying to hard to be.



  1. Hmmmm… I agree with u my friend, however I must say, I dont think my black men (yes I say MY black men… because I believe we are all connected… we’ve ALL struggled together as a people) are “no good” or “deadbeat” I beileve that most black men, impose this stereotype on themselves (because subconciously, they are afraid of being a deadbeat… afraid that they won’t live up to the expectations that society has set). You ASSUME we’re ALL labeling you this way, but I can say that I dont… EVERYONE is different, EVERYONE handles thier tribulations differently and I handle each person and/or case accordingly. I’ve been in this same situation more than once and I’ve grown to learn that placing blame on one parent or another will NOT solve the underlying problem. Each person needs to take responsibility for themselves… if ur being a fucking deadbeat… MAN UP, admit it (to urself) and do better (same for the deadbeat bitches out there). Be honest with urself FIRST and being honest with everyone else will come easily… :-] ***ramble complete***

    • Well said its important for us black men to be able to talk, and share how we feel. ESPECIALLY when dealing with relationships and family matters. I think if more men effectively communicate their feelings we would have more productive family models…

      • You should have a seminar about this YoungMC… but first we must configure a plan to put it into words that MEN will understand and actually take heed to!! *thats the hard part*

    • Oh I got you.. this will be address on the *soapbox chronicles*

  2. I love how you are drinking while you are solivng the social issues of the world LMAO!! Really good post. Great explanations and real world situations used. Now the hard part to get both sides to listen.

    • Lol you know how I do when I get to meditating.. but yes you are correct we need to establish a forum where men can address these issues without prejudice. I do believe that men do want to be great fathers but lack the resources to help them make the transition from being a *Baby Daddy* to * A great Dad*

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